You Enjoy Myself

No rant today, no anger – the Holiday chaos beginning to fade.  The phone calls missed, but perhaps a welcome break.  This now being the real distance between us…silence.  Although a few e-mails sustain in the interlude.  Are we crazy?  This newness is like it is with teenagers first exploring a strange world.  We’re both too old to be this kind of young, yet I’m probably too young to be old, even when my age clock reads one-oh-seven.  How can these thoughts oscillate between light and heavy, reminding me of carbon and carbon dating?  I’m loosing focus, dragging feet on data analysis and computer jockeying – oh a necessary evil.  I can’t stop thinking about the town I almost grew up in, blossomed in the eternal summer of my mind, laughing, eating ice cream cones, walking to the lake’s shore.  Did I always picture him in this light of hazy sunshine glow?  Or is it in my mind now anew?  I say no.  I always saw it this way; I’m simply realizing it now.

I am cautiously optimistic, at least I hope…not crazy.  We’re both a little obsessed I suppose, so I won’t worry about embarrassing myself.  I tell myself that in all the wreckage of my life these days, I deserve to enjoy some small corner of this world, and so I do.  I treated myself to coffee today, a frivolous expense when I worry about financial ruin.  But, “Can't I live while I’m young?”  I am now reminded that I’m getting low on tea bags here.  I need to pack more soon.  Otherwise it’s back to hot water, and that’s something I’m already in.  The weather is cold, so my warm beverage consumption is up…2-3 cups coffee, 2 cups tea, take daily, repeat.  Lord knows I need the caffeine; doctors be damned.  But I do need to drink more regular water.  A New Year’s resolution?

Yet, I think I resolve this year to live for myself, my son, and maybe my family.  I don’t live for him anymore, maybe no one else again.  Although I don’t subscribe to head-shrinky philosophies, I know I need to not loose sight of myself again.  There is a person of value, not yet another leg to a table, a tripod, or easel.